Stepping Through Portals

As I write this, I’m in Portales New Mexico, the morning after John and I taught a weekend workshop to Counseling grad students and therapists at Eastern New Mexico University. It was part of the summer school program there, and definitely out of the box for some in the group. The course was titled The Journey Inward and during it we introduced them to Shamanic Breathwork and taught about the shaman as wounded healer.

As you can imagine, there was a fair amount of skepticism about what the weekend would bring, but to their credit, everyone showed up and more importantly, came back the second day. Their professor was the one who brought us in to present this decidedly edgy material, and she was our biggest fan—engaging fully in her own process, which gave students permission to do the same.

Doors were definitely opened, paradigms shifted and much inner healing and release took place in that room over those two days. What a privilege—and what fabulous “work”! Love doing this! It was not lost on us that the name of the town, Portales, means doors in Spanish, or as it became for these souls, a portal into another dimension of themselves. Beautiful to be a part of.

So, to catch up a bit : I haven’t blogged in a long time. Couldn’t. Didn’t know how to talk about it. About a week before I wrote the last blog, which was pretty much a breezy recap of a delightful summer in Sedona, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Me, health nut, fitness nut, spiritual nut. I had thought, wow, I’ll share the journey, all the insights, the highs, the lows. (Lots of drama of course) Truth is, I didn’t know where to begin. I hated talking about it in a way, as I felt that would glorify it, give it energy. But in a way not talking about it gave it energy too. Plus, dealing with it took a lot of time and energy.

Obviously, from my opening report, I feel fine now, in fact, better than fine, so you don't need to race to the end to find out.

I’d always said I wanted to avoid surgery and chemotherapy if I got cancer. But I tell you, when you sit in a doctor’s office and they tell you that you have to do this or else, it gives you pause. I chose the natural route and began working with a naturopathic oncologist—lots and lots of supplements, Vitamin C IVs—all of which amounted to around a thousand dollars a month. I had surgery too—right before Christmas. The tumor was supposed to have been about 2.5 cm and it didn’t appear that any lymph nodes were involved. So it looked easy—take it out, take the supplements and call it good. Except the tumor was nearly 6cm-- they didn’t get it all even after a second surgery a week later--and 11 lymph nodes were involved. I was told to begin chemo immediately, or face having it in bones, liver and lung in a few months. Even the naturopath concurred. I felt betrayed.

Treating this as if it were separate from soul and spirit was foreign to me. And I knew enough to realize that if there was any doubt in me, I needed to go ahead and have treatment along with the energy work.

I felt somehow that I needed to surrender to the chemo—it was supposedly the mildest, and didn’t cause hair loss. I had to ask myself whether my resistance was actually covering up my fear of having the chemo.

So, I had the first chemo treatment. Nasty business, I have to tell you. They give you so much stuff, shots to protect the immune system, shots for nausea, shots to counteract the shots. My life was taken over by IVs and shots and supplements and blood tests.

“God, is this really the plan? Is this how it has to be?” I felt myself being sucked into the vortex of fear of all the negative energy the C-word carries with it. And I couldn’t pull myself out. During this time, I was working with a dear friend and energy healer, Angelica Joy, who helped me get to some place of peace with it all. Another dear friend, Gerard, hung out, walked my dog, and made me laugh.

When I went back to get the second treatment, they said, sorry, we can’t give it to you, your immune system is too trashed. If you feel like you’re getting anything, go right to the emergency room because you have no defenses. Really? So I said thank you very much and walked out. Haven’t been back.

I am working with an energy healer in San Diego. Now I am getting on with life.

This was a powerful call to reflect on the spiritual principles and energy work I’d been studying. I know many who have successfully used Western medicine to treat themselves. Many have found deep spiritual significance in their lives as a result. My path was different.

I’m back living in Sedona now—just got here a couple of weeks ago. I am glad to be settling in among my beloved Red Rocks again. What a whirlwind of learning and growth! It has prepared me for this next phase of life, which began this weekend. It was a portal for us too.

Editor’s note: This is Meredith’s personal story from 2011, not evidence that breathwork or energy work treats cancer, and not medical advice. Please work with your own healthcare providers.